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Fyodor Dostoyevsky - The Gambler
The Gambler - Page 7
"Shall we go away tomorrow?" presently
she asked, as though some disturbing thought had recurred to her
would it be if we were to try and overtake Grandmamma? I think
we should do so at Berlin. And what think you she would have to
say to us when we caught her up, and her eyes first lit upon us?
What, too, about Mr. Astley? HE would not leap from the
Shlangenberg for my sake! No! Of that I am very sure!"--and she
laughed. "Do you know where he is going next year? He says he
intends to go to the North Pole for scientific investigations,
and has invited me to go with him! Ha, ha, ha! He also says that
we Russians know nothing, can do nothing, without European help.
But he is a good fellow all the same. For instance, he does not
blame the General in the matter, but declares that Mlle.
Blanche--that love--But no; I do not know, I do not know." She
stopped suddenly, as though she had said her say, and was
feeling bewildered. "What poor creatures these people are. How
sorry I am for them, and for Grandmamma! But when are you going
to kill De Griers? Surely you do not intend actually to murder
him? You fool! Do you suppose that I should ALLOW you to fight
De Griers? Nor shall you kill the Baron." Here she burst out
laughing. "How absurd you looked when you were talking to the
Burmergelms! I was watching you all the time--watching you from
where I was sitting. And how unwilling you were to go when I
sent you! Oh, how I laughed and laughed!"
Then she kissed and embraced me again; again she pressed her
face to mine with tender passion. Yet I neither saw nor heard
her, for my head was in a whirl. . . .
It must have been about seven o'clock in the morning when I
awoke. Daylight had come, and Polina was sitting by my side--a strange
expression on her face, as though she had seen a vision and was
unable to collect her thoughts. She too had just awoken, and was now
staring at the money on the table.
ached; it felt heavy. I attempted to take Polina's hand, but she
pushed me from her, and leapt from the sofa. The dawn was full
of mist, for rain had fallen, yet she moved to the window,
opened it, and, leaning her elbows upon the window-sill, thrust
out her head and shoulders to take the air. In this position did
she remain for several minutes, without ever looking round at
me, or listening to what I was saying. Into my head there came
the uneasy thought: What is to happen now? How is it all to end?
Suddenly Polina rose from the window, approached the table, and,
looking at me with an expression of infinite aversion, said with
lips which quivered with anger:
"Well? Are you going to hand me over my fifty thousand francs?"
"Polina, you say that AGAIN, AGAIN?" I exclaimed.
"You have changed your mind, then? Ha, ha, ha! You are sorry
you ever promised them?"
On the table where, the previous night, I had counted the money
there still was lying the packet of twenty five thousand
florins. I handed it to her.
"The francs are mine, then, are they? They are mine?" she
inquired viciously as she balanced the money in her hands.
"Yes; they have ALWAYS been yours," I said.
"Then TAKE your fifty thousand francs!" and she hurled them
full in my face. The packet burst as she did so, and the floor
became strewed with bank-notes. The instant that the deed was
done she rushed from the room.
At that moment she cannot have been in her right mind; yet, what
was the cause of her temporary aberration I cannot say. For a
month past she had been unwell. Yet what had brought about this
PRESENT condition of mind,above all things, this outburst? Had
it come of wounded pride? Had it come of despair over her
decision to come to me? Had it come of the fact that, presuming
too much on my good fortune, I had seemed to be intending to
desert her (even as De Griers had done) when once I had given
her the fifty thousand francs? But, on my honour, I had never
cherished any such intention. What was at fault, I think, was
her own pride, which kept urging her not to trust me, but,
rather, to insult me--even though she had not realised the fact.
In her eyes I corresponded to De Griers, and therefore had been
condemned for a fault not wholly my own. Her mood of late had
been a sort of delirium, a sort of light-headedness--that I knew
full well; yet, never had I sufficiently taken it into consideration.
Perhaps she would not pardon me now? Ah, but this was THE PRESENT.
What about the future? Her delirium and sickness were not likely to
make her forget what she had done in bringing me De Griers'
letter. No, she must have known what she was doing when she
Somehow I contrived to stuff the pile of notes and gold under
the bed, to cover them over, and then to leave the room some ten
minutes after Polina. I felt sure that she had returned to her
own room; wherefore, I intended quietly to follow her, and to ask
the nursemaid aid who opened the door how her mistress was.
Judge, therefore, of my surprise when, meeting the domestic on
the stairs, she informed me that Polina had not yet returned,
and that she (the domestic) was at that moment on her way to my
room in quest of her!
"Mlle. left me but ten minutes ago," I said.
"What can have become of her?" The nursemaid looked at me
Already sundry rumours were flying about the hotel. Both in the
office of the commissionaire and in that of the landlord it was
whispered that, at seven o'clock that morning, the Fraulein had
left the hotel, and set off, despite the rain, in the direction
of the Hotel d'Angleterre. From words and hints let fall I could
see that the fact of Polina having spent the night in my room
was now public property. Also, sundry rumours were circulating
concerning the General's family affairs. It was known that last
night he had gone out of his mind, and paraded the hotel in
tears; also, that the old lady who had arrived was his mother,
and that she had come from Russia on purpose to forbid her son's
marriage with Mlle. de Cominges, as well as to cut him out of
her will if he should disobey her; also that, because he had
disobeyed her, she had squandered all her money at roulette, in
order to have nothing more to leave to him. "Oh, these
Russians!" exclaimed the landlord, with an angry toss of the
head, while the bystanders laughed and the clerk betook himself
to his accounts. Also, every one had learnt about my winnings;
Karl, the corridor lacquey, was the first to congratulate me.
But with these folk I had nothing to do. My business was to set
off at full speed to the Hotel d'Angleterre.
As yet it was early for Mr. Astley to receive visitors; but, as
soon as he learnt that it was I who had arrived, he came out
into the corridor to meet me, and stood looking at me in silence
with his steel-grey eyes as he waited to hear what I had to say.
I inquired after Polina.
"She is ill," he replied, still looking at me with his direct,
"And she is in your rooms."
"Yes, she is in my rooms."
"Then you are minded to keep her there?"
"Yes, I am minded to keep her there."
"But, Mr. Astley, that will raise a scandal. It ought not to be
allowed. Besides, she is very ill. Perhaps you had not remarked
"Yes, I have. It was I who told you about it. Had she not been
ill, she would not have gone and spent the night with you."
"Then you know all about it?"
"Yes; for last night she was to have accompanied me to the
house of a relative of mine. Unfortunately, being ill, she made
a mistake, and went to your rooms instead."
"Indeed? Then I wish you joy, Mr. Astley. Apropos, you have
reminded me of something. Were you beneath my window last night?
Every moment Mlle. Polina kept telling me to open the window and
see if you were there; after which she always smiled."
"Indeed? No, I was not there; but I was waiting in the
corridor, and walking about the hotel."
"She ought to see a doctor, you know, Mr. Astley."
"Yes, she ought. I have sent for one, and, if she dies, I shall
hold you responsible."
This surprised me.
"Pardon me," I replied, "but what do you mean?"
"Never mind. Tell me if it is true that, last night, you won two
hundred thousand thalers?"
"No; I won a hundred thousand florins."
"Good heavens! Then I suppose you will be off to Paris this
"Because all Russians who have grown rich go to Paris,"
explained Astley, as though he had read the fact in a book.
"But what could I do in Paris in summer time?--I LOVE her, Mr.
Astley! Surely you know that?"
"Indeed? I am sure that you do NOT. Moreover, if you were to
stay here, you would lose everything that you possess, and have
nothing left with which to pay your expenses in Paris. Well,
good-bye now. I feel sure that today will see you gone from
"Good-bye. But I am NOT going to Paris. Likewise--pardon me--what
is to become of this family? I mean that the affair of the
General and Mlle. Polina will soon be all over the town."
"I daresay; yet, I hardly suppose that that will break the
General's heart. Moreover, Mlle. Polina has a perfect right to
live where she chooses. In short, we may say that, as a family,
this family has ceased to exist."
I departed, and found myself smiling at the Englishman's strange
assurance that I should soon be leaving for Paris. "I suppose
he means to shoot me in a duel, should Polina die. Yes, that is
what he intends to do." Now, although I was honestly sorry for
Polina, it is a fact that, from the moment when, the previous
night, I had approached the gaming-table, and begun to rake in
the packets of bank-notes, my love for her had entered upon a
new plane. Yes, I can say that now; although, at the time, I was
barely conscious of it. Was I, then, at heart a gambler? Did I,
after all, love Polina not so very much? No, no! As God is my
witness, I loved her! Even when I was returning home from Mr.
Astley's my suffering was genuine, and my self-reproach sincere.
But presently I was to go through an exceedingly strange and
I was proceeding to the General's rooms when I heard a door near
me open, and a voice call me by name. It was Mlle.'s mother, the
Widow de Cominges who was inviting me, in her daughter's
name, to enter.
I did so; whereupon, I heard a laugh and a little cry proceed
from the bedroom (the pair occupied a suite of two apartments),
where Mlle. Blanche was just arising.
"Ah, c'est lui! Viens, donc, bete! Is it true that you have won
a mountain of gold and silver? J'aimerais mieux l'or."
"Yes," I replied with a smile.
"A hundred thousand florins."
"Bibi, comme tu es bete! Come in here, for I can't hear you
where you are now. Nous ferons bombance, n'est-ce pas?"
Entering her room, I found her lolling under a pink satin
coverlet, and revealing a pair of swarthy, wonderfully healthy
shoulders--shoulders such as one sees in dreams--shoulders covered
over with a white cambric nightgown which, trimmed with lace,
stood out, in striking relief, against the darkness of her skin.
"Mon fils, as-tu du coeur?" she cried when she saw me, and
then giggled. Her laugh had always been a very cheerful one, and
at times it even sounded sincere.
"Tout autre--" I began, paraphrasing Comeille.
"See here," she prattled on. "Please search for my stockings,
and help me to dress. Aussi, si tu n'es pas trop bete je te
prends a Paris. I am just off, let me tell you."
"In half an hour."
True enough, everything stood ready-packed--trunks, portmanteaux,
and all. Coffee had long been served.
"Eh bien, tu verras Paris. Dis donc, qu'est-ce que c'est qu'un
'utchitel'? Tu etais bien bete quand tu etais 'utchitel.' Where
are my stockings? Please help me to dress."
And she lifted up a really ravishing foot--small, swarthy, and
not misshapen like the majority of feet which look dainty only
in bottines. I laughed, and started to draw on to the foot a
silk stocking, while Mlle. Blanche sat on the edge of the bed
"Eh bien, que feras-tu si je te prends avec moi? First of all I
must have fifty thousand francs, and you shall give them to me
at Frankfurt. Then we will go on to Paris, where we will live
together, et je te ferai voir des etoiles en plein jour. Yes,
you shall see such women as your eyes have never lit upon."
"Stop a moment. If I were to give you those fifty thousand
francs, what should I have left for myself?"
"Another hundred thousand francs, please to remember. Besides,
I could live with you in your rooms for a month, or even for
two; or even for longer. But it would not take us more than two
months to get through fifty thousand francs; for, look you, je
suis bonne enfante, et tu verras des etoiles, you may be sure."
"What? You mean to say that we should spend the whole in two
"Certainly. Does that surprise you very much? Ah, vil esclave!
Why, one month of that life would be better than all your
previous existence. One month--et apres, le deluge! Mais tu ne
peux comprendre. Va! Away, away! You are not worth it.--Ah, que
For, while drawing on the other stocking, I had felt constrained
to kiss her. Immediately she shrunk back, kicked me in the face
with her toes, and turned me neck and prop out of the room.
"Eh bien, mon 'utchitel'," she called after me, "je t'attends,
si tu veux. I start in a quarter of an hour's time."
I returned to my own room with my head in a whirl. It was not my
fault that Polina had thrown a packet in my face, and preferred
Mr. Astley to myself. A few bank-notes were still fluttering
about the floor, and I picked them up. At that moment the door
opened, and the landlord appeared--a person who, until now, had
never bestowed upon me so much as a glance. He had come to know
if I would prefer to move to a lower floor--to a suite which had
just been tenanted by Count V.
For a moment I reflected.
"No!" I shouted. "My account, please, for in ten minutes I
shall be gone."
"To Paris, to Paris!" I added to myself. "Every man of birth
must make her acquaintance."
Within a quarter of an hour all three of us were seated in a
family compartment--Mlle. Blanche, the Widow de Cominges, and
myself. Mlle. kept laughing hysterically as she looked at me,
and Madame re-echoed her; but I did not feel so cheerful. My
life had broken in two, and yesterday had infected me with a
habit of staking my all upon a card. Although it might be that I
had failed to win my stake, that I had lost my senses, that I
desired nothing better, I felt that the scene was to be changed
only FOR A TIME. "Within a month from now," I kept thinking to
myself, "I shall be back again in Roulettenberg; and THEN I
mean to have it out with you, Mr. Astley!" Yes, as now I look
back at things, I remember that I felt greatly depressed,
despite the absurd gigglings of the egregious Blanche.
"What is the matter with you? How dull you are!" she cried at
length as she interrupted her laughter to take me seriously to
"Come, come! We are going to spend your two hundred thousand
francs for you, et tu seras heureux comme un petit roi. I myself
will tie your tie for you, and introduce you to Hortense. And
when we have spent your money you shall return here, and break
the bank again. What did those two Jews tell you?--that the thing
most needed is daring, and that you possess it? Consequently,
this is not the first time that you will be hurrying to Paris
with money in your pocket. Quant ... moi, je veux cinquante mille
francs de rente, et alors"
"But what about the General?" I interrupted.
"The General? You know well enough that at about this hour every
day he goes to buy me a bouquet. On this occasion, I took care to
tell him that he must hunt for the choicest of flowers; and when
he returns home, the poor fellow will find the bird flown.
Possibly he may take wing in pursuit--ha, ha, ha! And if so, I
shall not be sorry, for he could be useful to me in Paris, and
Mr. Astley will pay his debts here."
In this manner did I depart for the Gay City.
Of Paris what am I to say? The whole proceeding was a delirium,
a madness. I spent a little over three weeks there, and, during
that time, saw my hundred thousand francs come to an end. I
speak only of the ONE hundred thousand francs, for the other
hundred thousand I gave to Mlle. Blanche in pure cash. That is
to say, I handed her fifty thousand francs at Frankfurt, and,
three days later (in Paris), advanced her another fifty thousand
on note of hand. Nevertheless, a week had not elapsed ere she
came to me for more money. "Et les cent mille francs qui nous
restent," she added, "tu les mangeras avec moi, mon utchitel."
Yes, she always called me her "utchitel." A person more
economical, grasping, and mean than Mlle. Blanche one could not
imagine. But this was only as regards HER OWN money. MY hundred
thousand francs (as she explained to me later) she needed to set
up her establishment in Paris, "so that once and for all I may
be on a decent footing, and proof against any stones which may
be thrown at me--at all events for a long time to come."
Nevertheless, I saw nothing of those hundred thousand francs, for
my own purse (which she inspected daily) never managed to amass
in it more than a hundred francs at a time; and, generally the
sum did not reach even that figure.
"What do you want with money?" she would say to me with air of
absolute simplicity; and I never disputed the point.
Nevertheless, though she fitted out her flat very badly with the
money, the fact did not prevent her from saying when, later, she
was showing me over the rooms of her new abode: "See what
care and taste can do with the most wretched of means!"
However, her "wretchedness " had cost fifty thousand francs,
while with the remaining fifty thousand she purchased a carriage
Also, we gave a couple of balls--evening parties
attended by Hortense and Lisette and Cleopatre, who were women
remarkable both for the number of their liaisons and (though
only in some cases) for their good looks. At these reunions
I had to play the part of host--to meet and entertain fat
mercantile parvenus who were impossible by reason of their
rudeness and braggadocio, colonels of various kinds, hungry
authors, and journalistic hacks--all of whom disported
themselves in fashionable tailcoats and pale yellow gloves, and
displayed such an aggregate of conceit and gasconade as would be
unthinkable even in St. Petersburg--which is saying a great deal!
They used to try to make fun of me, but I would console myself
by drinking champagne and then lolling in a retiring-room.
Nevertheless, I found it deadly work. "C'est un utchitel," Blanche would
say of me, "qui a gagne deux cent mille francs,
and but for me, would have had not a notion how to spend them.
Presently he will have to return to his tutoring. Does any one
know of a vacant post? You know, one must do something for him."
I had the more frequent recourse to champagne in that I
constantly felt depressed and bored, owing to the fact that I
was living in the most bourgeois commercial milieu imaginable--a
milieu wherein every sou was counted and grudged. Indeed, two
weeks had not elapsed before I perceived that Blanche had no
real affection for me, even though she dressed me in elegant
clothes, and herself tied my tie each day. In short, she utterly
despised me. But that caused me no concern. Blase and inert, I
spent my evenings generally at the Chateau des Fleurs, where I
would get fuddled and then dance the cancan (which, in that
establishment, was a very indecent performance) with eclat. At
length, the time came when Blanche had drained my purse dry. She
had conceived an idea that, during the term of our residence
together, it would be well if I were always to walk behind her
with a paper and pencil, in order to jot down exactly what she
spent, what she had saved, what she was paying out, and what
she was laying by. Well, of course I could not fail to be aware
that this would entail a battle over every ten francs; so,
although for every possible objection that I might make she had
prepared a suitable answer, she soon saw that I made no
objections, and therefore, had to start disputes herself. That is
to say, she would burst out into tirades which were met only
with silence as I lolled on a sofa and stared fixedly at the
ceiling. This greatly surprised her. At first she imagined that
it was due merely to the fact that I was a fool, "un utchitel";
wherefore she would break off her harangue in the belief
that, being too stupid to understand, I was a hopeless case.
Then she would leave the room, but return ten minutes later to
resume the contest. This continued throughout her squandering of
my money--a squandering altogether out of proportion to our
means. An example is the way in which she changed her first pair
of horses for a pair which cost sixteen thousand francs.
"Bibi," she said on the latter occasion as she approached me,
"surely you are not angry?"
"No-o-o: I am merely tired," was my reply as I pushed her
from me. This seemed to her so curious that straightway she
seated herself by my side.
"You see," she went on, "I decided to spend so much upon these
horses only because I can easily sell them again. They would
go at any time for TWENTY thousand francs."
"Yes, yes. They are splendid horses, and you have got a
splendid turn-out. I am quite content. Let me hear no more of
"Then you are not angry?"
"No. Why should I be? You are wise to provide yourself with
what you need, for it will all come in handy in the future.
Yes, I quite see the necessity of your establishing yourself on
a good basis, for without it you will never earn your million.
My hundred thousand francs I look upon merely as a beginning--as
a mere drop in the bucket."
Blanche, who had by no means expected such declarations from me,
but, rather, an uproar and protests, was rather taken aback.
"Well, well, what a man you are! " she exclaimed. " Mais tu as
l'esprit pour comprendre. Sais-tu, mon garcon, although you are
a tutor, you ought to have been born a prince. Are you not sorry
that your money should be going so quickly?"
"No. The quicker it goes the better."
"Mais--sais-tu-mais dis donc, are you really rich? Mais sais-tu,
you have too much contempt for money. Qu'est-ce que tu feras
apres, dis donc?"
"Apres I shall go to Homburg, and win another hundred thousand
"Oui, oui, c'est ca, c'est magnifique! Ah, I know you will win
them, and bring them to me when you have done so. Dis donc--you
will end by making me love you. Since you are what you are, I
mean to love you all the time, and never to be unfaithful to
you. You see, I have not loved you before parce que je croyais
que tu n'es qu'un utchitel (quelque chose comme un lacquais,
n'est-ce pas?) Yet all the time I have been true to you, parce
que je suis bonne fille."
"You lie!" I interrupted. "Did I not see you, the other day,
with Albert--with that black-jowled officer?"
"Oh, oh! Mais tu es--"
"Yes, you are lying right enough. But what makes you suppose
that I should be angry? Rubbish! Il faut que jeunesse se passe.
Even if that officer were here now, I should refrain from
putting him out of the room if I thought you really cared for
him. Only, mind you, do not give him any of my money. You hear?"
"You say, do you, that you would not be angry? Mais tu es un
vrai philosophe, sais-tu? Oui, un vrai philosophe! Eh bien, je
t'aimerai, je t'aimerai. Tu verras-tu seras content."
True enough, from that time onward she seemed to attach herself
only to me, and in this manner we spent our last ten days
together. The promised "etoiles" I did not see, but in other
respects she, to a certain extent, kept her word. Moreover, she
introduced me to Hortense, who was a remarkable woman in her
way, and known among us as Therese Philosophe.
But I need not enlarge further, for to do so would
require a story to itself, and entail a colouring which
I am lothe to impart to the present narrative. The point
is that with all my faculties I desired the episode to
come to an end as speedily as possible. Unfortunately,
our hundred thousand francs lasted us, as I have said,
for very nearly a month--which greatly surprised me. At all
events, Blanche bought herself articles to the tune of eighty
thousand francs, and the rest sufficed just to meet our expenses
of living. Towards the close of the affair, Blanche grew almost
frank with me (at least, she scarcely lied to me at
all)--declaring, amongst other things, that none of the debts
which she had been obliged to incur were going to fall upon my
head. "I have purposely refrained from making you responsible
for my bills or borrowings," she said, "for the reason that I
am sorry for you. Any other woman in my place would have done
so, and have let you go to prison. See, then, how much I love
you, and how good-hearted I am! Think, too, what this accursed
marriage with the General is going to cost me!"
True enough, the marriage took place. It did so at the close of
our month together, and I am bound to suppose that it was
upon the ceremony that the last remnants of my money were spent.
With it the episode--that is to say, my sojourn with the
Frenchwoman--came to an end, and I formally retired from the
It happened thus: A week after we had taken up our abode in
Paris there arrived thither the General. He came straight to see
us, and thenceforward lived with us practically as our guest,
though he had a flat of his own as well. Blanche met him with
merry badinage and laughter, and even threw her arms around him.
In fact, she managed it so that he had to follow everywhere in
her train--whether when promenading on the Boulevards, or when
driving, or when going to the theatre, or when paying calls; and
this use which she made of him quite satisfied the General.
Still of imposing appearance and presence, as well as of fair
height, he had a dyed moustache and whiskers (he had formerly
been in the cuirassiers), and a handsome, though a somewhat
wrinkled, face. Also, his manners were excellent, and he could
carry a frockcoat well--the more so since, in Paris, he took to
wearing his orders. To promenade the Boulevards with such a man
was not only a thing possible, but also, so to speak, a thing
advisable, and with this programme the good but foolish
General had not a fault to find. The truth is that he had never
counted upon this programme when he came to Paris to seek us
out. On that occasion he had made his appearance nearly shaking
with terror, for he had supposed that Blanche would at once
raise an outcry, and have him put from the door; wherefore, he
was the more enraptured at the turn that things had taken, and
spent the month in a state of senseless ecstasy. Already I had
learnt that, after our unexpected departure from Roulettenberg,
he had had a sort of a fit--that he had fallen into a swoon, and
spent a week in a species of garrulous delirium. Doctors had
been summoned to him, but he had broken away from them, and
suddenly taken a train to Paris. Of course Blanche's reception of
him had acted as the best of all possible cures, but for long
enough he carried the marks of his affliction, despite his
present condition of rapture and delight. To think clearly, or
even to engage in any serious conversation, had now become
impossible for him; he could only ejaculate after each word
"Hm!" and then nod his head in confirmation. Sometimes, also, he
would laugh, but only in a nervous, hysterical sort of a
fashion; while at other times he would sit for hours looking as
black as night, with his heavy eyebrows knitted. Of much that
went on he remained wholly oblivious, for he grew extremely
absent-minded, and took to talking to himself. Only Blanche
could awake him to any semblance of life. His fits of depression
and moodiness in corners always meant either that he had not
seen her for some while, or that she had gone out without taking
him with her, or that she had omitted to caress him before
departing. When in this condition, he would refuse to say what he
wanted--nor had he the least idea that he was thus sulking and
moping. Next, after remaining in this condition for an hour or
two (this I remarked on two occasions when Blanche had gone out
for the day--probably to see Albert), he would begin to look
about him, and to grow uneasy, and to hurry about with an air as
though he had suddenly remembered something, and must try and
find it; after which, not perceiving the object of his search,
nor succeeding in recalling what that object had been, he would
as suddenly relapse into oblivion, and continue so until the
reappearance of Blanche--merry, wanton, half-dressed, and
laughing her strident laugh as she approached to pet him, and
even to kiss him (though the latter reward he seldom received).
Once, he was so overjoyed at her doing so that he burst into
tears. Even I myself was surprised.
From the first moment of his arrival in Paris, Blanche set
herself to plead with me on his behalf; and at such times she
even rose to heights of eloquence--saying that it was for ME
she had abandoned him, though she had almost become his
betrothed and promised to become so; that it was for HER sake he
had deserted his family; that, having been in his service, I
ought to remember the fact, and to feel ashamed. To all this I
would say nothing, however much she chattered on; until at
length I would burst out laughing, and the incident would come
to an end (at first, as I have said, she had thought me a fool,
but since she had come to deem me a man of sense and
sensibility). In short, I had the happiness of calling her
better nature into play; for though, at first, I had not deemed
her so, she was, in reality, a kind-hearted woman after her own
fashion. "You are good and clever," she said to me towards the
finish, "and my one regret is that you are also so
wrong-headed. You will NEVER be a rich man!"
"Un vrai Russe--un Kalmuk" she usually called me.
Several times she sent me to give the General an airing in the
streets, even as she might have done with a lacquey and her
spaniel; but, I preferred to take him to the theatre, to the Bal
Mabille, and to restaurants. For this purpose she usually
allowed me some money, though the General had a little of his
own, and enjoyed taking out his purse before strangers. Once I
had to use actual force to prevent him from buying a phaeton at
a price of seven hundred francs, after a vehicle had caught his
fancy in the Palais Royal as seeming to be a desirable present
for Blanche. What could SHE have done with a seven-hundred-franc
phaeton?--and the General possessed in the world but a thousand
francs! The origin even of those francs I could never determine,
but imagined them to have emanated from Mr. Astley--the more so
since the latter had paid the family's hotel bill. As for what
view the General took of myself, I think that he never divined
the footing on which I stood with Blanche. True, he had
heard, in a dim sort of way, that I had won a good deal of money;
but more probably he supposed me to be acting as secretary--or even
as a kind of servant--to his inamorata. At all events, he
continued to address me, in his old haughty style, as my
superior. At times he even took it upon himself to scold me. One
morning in particular, he started to sneer at me over our
matutinal coffee. Though not a man prone to take offence, he
suddenly, and for some reason of which to this day I am
ignorant, fell out with me. Of course even he himself did not
know the reason. To put things shortly, he began a speech which
had neither beginning nor ending, and cried out, a batons
rompus, that I was a boy whom he would soon put to rights--and so
forth, and so forth. Yet no one could understand what he was
saying, and at length Blanche exploded in a burst of laughter.
Finally something appeased him, and he was taken out for his
walk. More than once, however, I noticed that his depression was
growing upon him; that he seemed to be feeling the want of
somebody or something; that, despite Blanche's presence, he was
missing some person in particular. Twice, on these occasions,
did he plunge into a conversation with me, though he could not
make himself intelligible, and only went on rambling about the
service, his late wife, his home, and his property. Every now
and then, also, some particular word would please him; whereupon
he would repeat it a hundred times in the day--even though the
word happened to express neither his thoughts nor his feelings.
Again, I would try to get him to talk about his children, but
always he cut me short in his old snappish way, and passed to
another subject. "Yes, yes--my children," was all that I could
extract from him. "Yes, you are right in what you have said
about them." Only once did he disclose his real feelings. That
was when we were taking him to the theatre, and suddenly he
exclaimed: "My unfortunate children! Yes, sir, they are
unfortunate children." Once, too, when I chanced to mention
Polina, he grew quite bitter against her. "She is an ungrateful
woman!" he exclaimed. "She is a bad and ungrateful woman! She
has broken up a family. If there were laws here, I would have
her impaled. Yes, I would." As for De Griers, the General would
not have his name mentioned. " He has ruined me," he would say.
"He has robbed me, and cut my throat. For two years he was a
perfect nightmare to me. For months at a time he never left me
in my dreams. Do not speak of him again."
It was now clear to me that Blanche and he were on the point of
coming to terms; yet, true to my usual custom, I said nothing.
At length, Blanche took the initiative in explaining matters.
She did so a week before we parted.
"Il a du chance," she prattled, "for the Grandmother is now
REALLY ill, and therefore, bound to die. Mr. Astley has just sent
a telegram to say so, and you will agree with me that the
General is likely to be her heir. Even if he should not be so,
he will not come amiss, since, in the first place, he has his
pension, and, in the second place, he will be content to live in
a back room; whereas I shall be Madame General, and get into a
good circle of society" (she was always thinking of this) "and
become a Russian chatelaine. Yes, I shall have a mansion of my
own, and peasants, and a million of money at my back."
"But, suppose he should prove jealous? He might demand all
sorts of things, you know. Do you follow me?"
"Oh, dear no! How ridiculous that would be of him! Besides, I
have taken measures to prevent it. You need not be alarmed. That
is to say, I have induced him to sign notes of hand in Albert's
name. Consequently, at any time I could get him punished. Isn't
"Very well, then. Marry him."
And, in truth, she did so--though the marriage was a family one
only, and involved no pomp or ceremony. In fact, she invited to
the nuptials none but Albert and a few other friends. Hortense,
Cleopatre, and the rest she kept firmly at a distance. As for
the bridegroom, he took a great interest in his new position.
Blanche herself tied his tie, and Blanche herself pomaded him--
with the result that, in his frockcoat and white waistcoat, he
looked quite comme il faut.
"Il est, pourtant, TRES comme il faut," Blanche remarked when
she issued from his room, as though the idea that he was "TRES
comme il faut " had impressed even her. For myself, I had so
little knowledge of the minor details of the affair, and took
part in it so much as a supine spectator, that I have forgotten
most of what passed on this occasion. I only remember that
Blanche and the Widow figured at it, not as "de Cominges," but
as "du Placet." Why they had hitherto been "de Cominges " I do
not know--I only know that this entirely satisfied the
General, that he liked the name "du Placet" even better than he
had liked the name "de Cominges." On the morning of the wedding,
he paced the salon in his gala attire and kept repeating to
himself with an air of great gravity and importance: " Mlle.
Blanche du Placet! Mlle. Blanche du Placet, du Placet!" He
beamed with satisfaction as he did so. Both in the church and at
the wedding breakfast he remained not only pleased and
contented, but even proud. She too underwent a change, for now
she assumed an air of added dignity.
"I must behave altogether differently," she confided to me with
a serious air. "Yet, mark you, there is a tiresome circumstance
of which I had never before thought--which is, how best to
pronounce my new family name. Zagorianski, Zagozianski, Madame
la Generale de Sago, Madame la Generale de Fourteen
Consonants--oh these infernal Russian names! The LAST of them
would be the best to use, don't you think?"
At length the time had come for us to part, and Blanche, the
egregious Blanche, shed real tears as she took her leave of me.
"Tu etais bon enfant" she said with a sob. "je te croyais bete et tu
en avais l'air, but it suited you." Then, having given me a final
handshake, she exclaimed, "Attends!"; whereafter, running into
her boudoir, she brought me thence two thousand-franc notes. I
could scarcely believe my eyes! "They may come in handy for
you," she explained, "for, though you are a very learned
tutor, you are a very stupid man. More than two thousand francs,
however, I am not going to give you, for the reason that, if I
did so, you would gamble them all away. Now good-bye. Nous
serons toujours bons amis, and if you win again, do not fail to
come to me, et tu seras heureux."
I myself had still five hundred francs left, as well as a watch
worth a thousand francs, a few diamond studs, and so on.
Consequently, I could subsist for quite a length of time without
particularly bestirring myself. Purposely I have taken up my
abode where I am now partly to pull myself together, and partly
to wait for Mr. Astley, who, I have learnt, will soon be here
for a day or so on business. Yes, I know that, and then--and then
I shall go to Homburg. But to Roulettenberg I shall not go until
next year, for they say it is bad to try one's luck twice in
succession at a table. Moreover, Homburg is where the best play
is carried on.
It is a year and eight months since I last looked at these notes
of mine. I do so now only because, being overwhelmed with
depression, I wish to distract my mind by reading them through
at random. I left them off at the point where I was just going
to Homburg. My God, with what a light heart (comparatively
speaking) did I write the concluding lines!--though it may be
not so much with a light heart, as with a measure of
self-confidence and unquenchable hope. At that time had I any
doubts of myself ? Yet behold me now. Scarcely a year and a half
have passed, yet I am in a worse position than the meanest
beggar. But what is a beggar? A fig for beggary! I have ruined
myself--that is all. Nor is there anything with which I can
compare myself; there is no moral which it would be of any use
for you to read to me. At the present moment nothing could well
be more incongruous than a moral. Oh, you self-satisfied persons
who, in your unctuous pride, are forever ready to mouth your
maxims--if only you knew how fully I myself comprehend the
sordidness of my present state, you would not trouble to wag
your tongues at me! What could you say to me that I do not
already know? Well, wherein lies my difficulty? It lies in the
fact that by a single turn of a roulette wheel everything for
me, has become changed. Yet, had things befallen otherwise,
these moralists would have been among the first (yes, I feel
persuaded of it) to approach me with friendly jests and
congratulations. Yes, they would never have turned from me as
they are doing now! A fig for all of them! What am I? I am
zero--nothing. What shall I be tomorrow? I may be risen from the
dead, and have begun life anew. For still, I may discover the man
in myself, if only my manhood has not become utterly shattered.
I went, I say, to Homburg, but afterwards went also to
Roulettenberg, as well as to Spa and Baden; in which latter
place, for a time, I acted as valet to a certain rascal of a
Privy Councillor, by name Heintze, who until lately was also my
master here. Yes, for five months I lived my life with lacqueys!
That was just after I had come out of Roulettenberg prison,
where I had lain for a small debt which I owed. Out of that
prison I was bailed by--by whom? By Mr. Astley? By Polina? I do
not know. At all events, the debt was paid to the tune of two
hundred thalers, and I sallied forth a free man. But what was I
to do with myself ? In my dilemma I had recourse to this
Heintze, who was a young scapegrace, and the sort of man who
could speak and write three languages. At first I acted as his
secretary, at a salary of thirty gulden a month, but afterwards
I became his lacquey, for the reason that he could not afford to
keep a secretary--only an unpaid servant. I had nothing else to
turn to, so I remained with him, and allowed myself to become
his flunkey. But by stinting myself in meat and drink I saved,
during my five months of service, some seventy gulden; and one
evening, when we were at Baden, I told him that I wished to
resign my post, and then hastened to betake myself to roulette.
Oh, how my heart beat as I did so! No, it was not the money that
I valued--what I wanted was to make all this mob of Heintzes,
hotel proprietors, and fine ladies of Baden talk about me,
recount my story, wonder at me, extol my doings, and worship my
winnings. True, these were childish fancies and aspirations, but
who knows but that I might meet Polina, and be able to tell her
everything, and see her look of surprise at the fact that I had
overcome so many adverse strokes of fortune. No, I had no desire
for money for its own sake, for I was perfectly well aware that
I should only squander it upon some new Blanche, and spend
another three weeks in Paris after buying a pair of horses which
had cost sixteen thousand francs. No, I never believed myself to
be a hoarder; in fact, I knew only too well that I was a
spendthrift. And already, with a sort of fear, a sort of
sinking in my heart, I could hear the cries of the croupiers--
"Trente et un, rouge, impair et passe," "Quarte, noir, pair et
manque. " How greedily I gazed upon the gaming-table, with its
scattered louis d'or, ten-gulden pieces, and thalers; upon the
streams of gold as they issued from the croupier's hands, and
piled themselves up into heaps of gold scintillating as fire;
upon the ell--long rolls of silver lying around the croupier.
Even at a distance of two rooms I could hear the chink of that
money--so much so that I nearly fell into convulsions.
Ah, the evening when I took those seventy gulden to the gaming
table was a memorable one for me. I began by staking ten gulden
upon passe. For passe I had always had a sort of predilection,
yet I lost my stake upon it. This left me with sixty gulden in
silver. After a moment's thought I selected zero--beginning by
staking five gulden at a time. Twice I lost, but the third round
suddenly brought up the desired coup. I could almost have died
with joy as I received my one hundred and seventy-five gulden.
Indeed, I have been less pleased when, in former times, I have
won a hundred thousand gulden. Losing no time, I staked another
hundred gulden upon the red, and won; two hundred upon the red,
and won; four hundred upon the black, and won; eight hundred
upon manque, and won. Thus, with the addition of the remainder
of my original capital, I found myself possessed, within five
minutes, of seventeen hundred gulden. Ah, at such moments one
forgets both oneself and one's former failures! This I had
gained by risking my very life. I had dared so to risk, and
behold, again I was a member of mankind!
I went and hired a room, I shut myself up in it, and sat
counting my money until three o'clock in the morning. To think
that when I awoke on the morrow, I was no lacquey! I decided to
leave at once for Homburg. There I should neither have to serve
as a footman nor to lie in prison. Half an hour before starting,
I went and ventured a couple of stakes--no more; with the result
that, in all, I lost fifteen hundred florins. Nevertheless, I
proceeded to Homburg, and have now been there for a month.
Of course, I am living in constant trepidation,playing for the
smallest of stakes, and always looking out for
something--calculating, standing whole days by the gaming-tables
to watch the play--even seeing that play in my dreams--yet
seeming, the while, to be in some way stiffening, to be growing
caked, as it were, in mire. But I must conclude my notes, which
I finish under the impression of a recent encounter with Mr.
Astley. I had not seen him since we parted at Roulettenberg, and
now we met quite by accident. At the time I was walking in the
public gardens, and meditating upon the fact that not only had I
still some fifty olden in my possession, but also I had fully
paid up my hotel bill three days ago. Consequently, I was in a
position to try my luck again at roulette; and if I won anything
I should be able to continue my play, whereas, if I lost what I
now possessed, I should once more have to accept a lacquey's
place, provided that, in the alternative, I failed to discover a
Russian family which stood in need of a tutor. Plunged in these
reflections, I started on my daily walk through the Park and
forest towards a neighbouring principality. Sometimes, on such
occasions, I spent four hours on the way, and would return to
Homburg tired and hungry; but, on this particular occasion, I had
scarcely left the gardens for the Park when I caught sight of
Astley seated on a bench. As soon as he perceived me, he called
me by name, and I went and sat down beside him; but, on noticing
that he seemed a little stiff in his manner, I hastened to
moderate the expression of joy which the sight of him had called
"YOU here?" he said. "Well, I had an idea that I should meet
you. Do not trouble to tell me anything, for I know all--yes,
all. In fact, your whole life during the past twenty months lies
within my knowledge."
"How closely you watch the doings of your old friends!" I
replied. "That does you infinite credit. But stop a moment. You
have reminded me of something. Was it you who bailed me out of
Roulettenberg prison when I was lying there for a debt of two
hundred gulden? SOMEONE did so."
"Oh dear no!--though I knew all the time that you were lying
"Perhaps you could tell me who DID bail me out?"
"No; I am afraid I could not."
"What a strange thing! For I know no Russians at all here, so
it cannot have been a Russian who befriended me. In Russia we
Orthodox folk DO go bail for one another, but in this case I
thought it must have been done by some English stranger who was
not conversant with the ways of the country."
Mr. Astley seemed to listen to me with a sort of surprise.
Evidently he had expected to see me looking more crushed and
broken than I was.
"Well," he said--not very pleasantly, "I am none the less glad
to find that you retain your old independence of spirit, as well
as your buoyancy."
"Which means that you are vexed at not having found me more
abased and humiliated than I am?" I retorted with a smile.
Astley was not quick to understand this, but presently did so
"Your remarks please me as they always did," he continued. "In
those words I see the clever, triumphant, and, above all things,
cynical friend of former days. Only Russians have the faculty of
combining within themselves so many opposite qualities. Yes,
most men love to see their best friend in abasement; for
generally it is on such abasement that friendship is founded.
All thinking persons know that ancient truth. Yet, on the
present occasion, I assure you, I am sincerely glad to see that
you are NOT cast down. Tell me, are you never going to give up
"Damn the gambling! Yes, I should certainly have given it up,
were it not that--"
"That you are losing? I thought so. You need not tell me any
more. I know how things stand, for you have said that last in
despair, and therefore, truthfully. Have you no other employment
"No; none whatever."
Astley gave me a searching glance. At that time it was ages
since I had last looked at a paper or turned the pages of a book.
"You are growing blase," he said. "You have not only renounced
life, with its interests and social ties, but the duties of a citizen
and a man; you have not only renounced the friends whom I know
you to have had, and every aim in life but that of winning
money; but you have also renounced your memory. Though I can
remember you in the strong, ardent period of your life, I feel
persuaded that you have now forgotten every better feeling of
that period--that your present dreams and aspirations of
subsistence do not rise above pair, impair rouge, noir, the
twelve middle numbers, and so forth."
"Enough, Mr. Astley!" I cried with some irritation--almost in
anger. "Kindly do not recall to me any more recollections, for
I can remember things for myself. Only for a time have I put
them out of my head. Only until I shall have rehabilitated
myself, am I keeping my memory dulled. When that hour shall come,
you will see me arise from the dead."
"Then you will have to be here another ten years," he replied.
"Should I then be alive, I will remind you--here, on this very
bench--of what I have just said. In fact, I will bet you a wager
that I shall do so."
"Say no more," I interrupted impatiently. "And to show you
that I have not wholly forgotten the past, may I enquire where
Mlle. Polina is? If it was not you who bailed me out of prison,
it must have been she. Yet never have I heard a word concerning
"No, I do not think it was she. At the present moment she is in
Switzerland, and you will do me a favour by ceasing to ask me
these questions about her." Astley said this with a firm, and
even an angry, air.
"Which means that she has dealt you a serious wound?" I burst
out with an involuntary sneer.
"Mlle. Polina," he continued, "Is the best of all possible
living beings; but, I repeat, that I shall thank you to cease
questioning me about her. You never really knew her, and her
name on your lips is an offence to my moral feeling."
"Indeed? On what subject, then, have I a better right to speak
to you than on this? With it are bound up all your recollections
and mine. However, do not be alarmed: I have no wish to probe
too far into your private, your secret affairs. My interest in
Mlle. Polina does not extend beyond her outward circumstances
and surroundings. About them you could tell me in two words."
"Well, on condition that the matter shall end there, I will
tell you that for a long time Mlle. Polina was ill, and still is
so. My mother and sister entertained her for a while at their
home in the north of England, and thereafter Mlle. Polina's
grandmother (you remember the mad old woman?) died, and left
Mlle. Polina a personal legacy of seven thousand pounds
sterling. That was about six months ago, and now Mlle. is
travelling with my sister's family--my sister having since
married. Mlle.'s little brother and sister also benefited by the
Grandmother's will, and are now being educated in London. As for
the General, he died in Paris last month, of a stroke. Mlle.
Blanche did well by him, for she succeeded in having transferred
to herself all that he received from the Grandmother. That, I
think, concludes all that I have to tell."
"And De Griers? Is he too travelling in Switzerland?"
"No; nor do I know where he is. Also I warn you once more that
you had better avoid such hints and ignoble suppositions;
otherwise you will assuredly have to reckon with me."
"What? In spite of our old friendship?"
"Yes, in spite of our old friendship."
"Then I beg your pardon a thousand times, Mr. Astley. I meant
nothing offensive to Mlle. Polina, for I have nothing of which
to accuse her. Moreover, the question of there being anything
between this Frenchman and this Russian lady is not one which
you and I need discuss, nor even attempt to understand."
"If," replied Astley, "you do not care to hear their names
coupled together, may I ask you what you mean by the expressions
'this Frenchman,' 'this Russian lady,' and 'there being
anything between them'? Why do you call them so particularly a
'Frenchman' and a 'Russian lady'?"
"Ah, I see you are interested, Mr. Astley. But it is a long,
long story, and calls for a lengthy preface. At the same time,
the question is an important one, however ridiculous it may seem
at the first glance. A Frenchman, Mr. Astley, is merely a fine
figure of a man. With this you, as a Britisher, may not agree.
With it I also, as a Russian, may not agree--out of envy. Yet
possibly our good ladies are of another opinion. For instance,
one may look upon Racine as a broken-down, hobbledehoy, perfumed
individual--one may even be unable to read him; and I too may
think him the same, as well as, in some respects, a subject for
ridicule. Yet about him, Mr. Astley, there is a certain charm,
and, above all things, he is a great poet--though one might like
to deny it. Yes, the Frenchman, the Parisian, as a national
figure, was in process of developing into a figure of elegance
before we Russians had even ceased to be bears. The Revolution
bequeathed to the French nobility its heritage, and now every
whippersnapper of a Parisian may possess manners, methods of
expression, and even thoughts that are above reproach in form,
while all the time he himself may share in that form neither in
initiative nor in intellect nor in soul--his manners, and the
rest, having come to him through inheritance. Yes, taken by
himself, the Frenchman is frequently a fool of fools and a
villain of villains. Per contra, there is no one in the
world more worthy of confidence and respect than this young
Russian lady. De Griers might so mask his face and play a part
as easily to overcome her heart, for he has an imposing figure,
Mr. Astley, and this young lady might easily take that figure for
his real self--for the natural form of his heart and soul--instead
of the mere cloak with which heredity has dowered him. And even
though it may offend you, I feel bound to say that the majority
also of English people are uncouth and unrefined, whereas we
Russian folk can recognise beauty wherever we see it, and are
always eager to cultivate the same. But to distinguish beauty of
soul and personal originality there is needed far more
independence and freedom than is possessed by our women,
especially by our younger ladies. At all events, they need more
EXPERIENCE. For instance, this Mlle. Polina--pardon me, but the
name has passed my lips, and I cannot well recall it--is taking a
very long time to make up her mind to prefer you to Monsieur de
Griers. She may respect you, she may become your friend, she may
open out her heart to you; yet over that heart there will be
reigning that loathsome villain, that mean and petty usurer, De
Griers. This will be due to obstinacy and self-love--to the fact
that De Griers once appeared to her in the transfigured guise of
a marquis, of a disenchanted and ruined liberal who was doing
his best to help her family and the frivolous old General; and,
although these transactions of his have since been exposed, you
will find that the exposure has made no impression upon her
mind. Only give her the De Griers of former days, and she will
ask of you no more. The more she may detest the present De
Griers, the more will she lament the De Griers of the past--even
though the latter never existed but in her own imagination. You
are a sugar refiner, Mr. Astley, are you not?"
"Yes, I belong to the well-known firm of Lovell and Co."
"Then see here. On the one hand, you are a sugar refiner,
while, on the other hand, you are an Apollo Belvedere. But the
two characters do not mix with one another. I, again, am not
even a sugar refiner; I am a mere roulette gambler who has also
served as a lacquey. Of this fact Mlle. Polina is probably well
aware, since she appears to have an excellent force of police at
"You are saying this because you are feeling bitter," said
Astley with cold indifference. "Yet there is not the least
originality in your words."
"I agree. But therein lies the horror of it all--that, however
mean and farcical my accusations may be, they are none the less
TRUE. But I am only wasting words."
"Yes, you are, for you are only talking nonsense! exclaimed my
companion--his voice now trembling and his eyes flashing fire.
"Are you aware," he continued, "that wretched, ignoble, petty,
unfortunate man though you are, it was at HER request I came to
Homburg, in order to see you, and to have a long, serious talk
with you, and to report to her your feelings and thoughts and
hopes--yes, and your recollections of her, too?"
"Indeed? Is that really so?" I cried--the tears beginning to
well from my eyes. Never before had this happened.
"Yes, poor unfortunate," continued Astley. "She DID love you;
and I may tell you this now for the reason that now you are
utterly lost. Even if I were also to tell you that she still
loves you, you would none the less have to remain where you are.
Yes, you have ruined yourself beyond redemption. Once upon a
time you had a certain amount of talent, and you were of a
lively disposition, and your good looks were not to be despised.
You might even have been useful to your country, which needs men
like you. Yet you remained here, and your life is now over. I am
not blaming you for this--in my view all Russians resemble you,
or are inclined to do so. If it is not roulette, then it is
something else. The exceptions are very rare. Nor are you the
first to learn what a taskmaster is yours. For roulette is not
exclusively a Russian game. Hitherto, you have honourably preferred
to serve as a lacquey rather than to act as a thief; but what the
future may have in store for you I tremble to think. Now good-bye.
You are in want of money, I suppose? Then take these ten louis d'or.
More I shall not give you, for you would only gamble it away. Take
care of these coins, and farewell. Once more, TAKE CARE of them."
"No, Mr. Astley. After all that has been said I--"
"TAKE CARE of them!" repeated my friend. "I am certain you
are still a gentleman, and therefore I give you the money as one
gentleman may give money to another. Also, if I could be certain
that you would leave both Homburg and the gaming-tables, and
return to your own country, I would give you a thousand pounds
down to start life afresh; but, I give you ten louis d'or instead
of a thousand pounds for the reason that at the present time a
thousand pounds and ten louis d'or will be all the same to
you--you will lose the one as readily as you will the other. Take
the money, therefore, and good-bye."
"Yes, I WILL take it if at the same time you will embrace me."
So we parted--on terms of sincere affection.
But he was wrong. If I was hard and undiscerning as regards
Polina and De Griers, HE was hard and undiscerning as regards
Russian people generally. Of myself I say nothing. Yet--yet words
are only words. I need to ACT. Above all things I need to think
of Switzerland. Tomorrow, tomorrow--Ah, but if only I could
set things right tomorrow, and be born again, and rise again
from the dead! But no--I cannot. Yet I must show her what I can
do. Even if she should do no more than learn that I can still
play the man, it would be worth it. Today it is too late, but
Yet I have a presentiment that things can never be otherwise. I
have got fifteen louis d'or in my possession, although I began
with fifteen gulden. If I were to play carefully at the
start--But no, no! Surely I am not such a fool as that? Yet WHY
should I not rise from the dead? I should require at first but
to go cautiously and patiently and the rest would follow. I
should require but to put a check upon my nature for one hour,
and my fortunes would be changed entirely. Yes, my nature is my
weak point. I have only to remember what happened to me some
months ago at Roulettenberg, before my final ruin. What a
notable instance that was of my capacity for resolution! On the
occasion in question I had lost everything--everything; yet, just
as I was leaving the Casino, I heard another gulden give a
rattle in my pocket! "Perhaps I shall need it for a meal," I
thought to myself; but a hundred paces further on, I changed my
mind, and returned. That gulden I staked upon manque--and there
is something in the feeling that, though one is alone, and in a
foreign land, and far from one's own home and friends, and
ignorant of whence one's next meal is to come, one is
nevertheless staking one's very last coin! Well, I won the
stake, and in twenty minutes had left the Casino with a hundred
and seventy gulden in my pocket! That is a fact, and it shows
what a last remaining gulden can do. . . . But what if my heart
had failed me, or I had shrunk from making up my mind? . . .
No: tomorrow all shall be ended!
End of The Gambler, by Fyodor Dostoyevsky